Riding the Wheel of If

Episode Thirteen

 

 

 

A few days riding the Wheel...

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"...although I don't exactly know how it works. But that's how I came to be traveling between the realities, Master Yoda." Obi-Wan Kenobi sighed and took a sip of his tea. Yoda sat across the table from him, munching thoughtfully on a root and staring at him.

 

"Interesting story this is, young Knight," he finally said in his odd voice. Doubt you I might, but strong in the Force are you." After a moment, Yoda continued. "Seek something you do, hmmm? Seek what, I wonder?"

 

"My Master," Obi-Wan said, looking down at the table. "Qui-Gon died on Naboo. We were fighting the Sith--" Yoda's ears perked up at that- "and, well, he died in my arms. I never... I never got a chance to tell him I love him. So I am seeking a reality I can call home... where perhaps I died instead of him, or perhaps I don't exist, yet. Tell me... Qui-Gon Jinn does exist in this reality?"

 

Ears drooping slightly, Yoda said, "Sorry I am to tell you, but know that name I do not. Know your name I do not either."

 

Sinking a bit in his chair, Obi-Wan said, "Well. That answers that question."

 

"Ask you I do, not to go yet. Hear more I would. Council would hear of it too, if willing you are. Stay, can you, for a day?"

 

Smiling without mirth, Obi-Wan replied, "Certainly, Master Yoda. But I should be off again tomorrow, if you don't mind."

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"...but how it works, I haven't a clue." Obi-Wan took a sip of his juice and regarded the ancient green Master sitting across from him. "Qui-Gon Jinn was my Master, and he died on Naboo. So I'm continuing to travel, much at the whim of the Force, I guess, and continue to look for a home. Did... does Qui-Gon exist in this reality?"

 

"Qui-Gon Jinn my Padawan was," Yoda said sadly. "Died he did, years ago. On Bandomeer it was."

 

"Oh." Obi-Wan took another sip. "Well. I guess that settles that then. Before I go, let me tell you about what the Sith are up to..."

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"...that's a mystery to me as well, Master Yoda," Obi-Wan said, laughing with the elderly master. "If I knew how it worked..." he shrugged and took another sip of the strong cha.

 

"Interesting this is," Yoda mused, his sharp eyes examining the man across from him. "Much sadness I sense in you, but strength as well. The Force is strong in you, young Knight."

 

"The Force has pretty much had its way with me for a few months now," Obi-Wan agreed ruefully. "And I can't say it's all been a bed of flowers." Sipping his cha, he said, "You've told me that Qui-Gon was your Padawan, and from what you've said I guess I exist here too. Are they...?"

 

"Bondmates they are," Yoda said proudly. "Fought the Sith they did on Naboo, now hunt Sith Master they do. Find him they will, doubt it I do not."

 

Nodding, Obi-Wan smiled wryly. "Then I won't interfere. But let me tell you a bit of what I've found out in other realities, so that you can pass the information along to them as you see fit..."

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"...and this is good root beer," Obi-Wan finished, draining his bottle. "I would appreciate being able to take some with me when I go."

 

"Take some, you can," Yoda agreed, his eyes twinkling. "But stay, I would like you to, for a day at least. Talk to Council, you should, about Sith."

 

Obi-Wan sighed. "Of course, Master Yoda. I'd be pleased to. Especially since it killed both me and Qui-Gon in this reality."

 

Ears drooping, Yoda said softly, "Great loss to us that was. Great mystery as well, how they had come to be killed. Information you bring is timely, young Knight." He stared at Obi-Wan for a moment, then added, "Stay, can you, for the day to speak with Council?"

 

Shoving down his disappointment, Obi-Wan smiled and said, "Of course, Master Yoda."

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The bang of displaced air fading in his ears, Obi-Wan continued to sit with his eyes closed for a few moments before looking around. // And another one, // he thought to himself dryly. For the past two weeks he had been on a round of mind-numbing Temples... all pretty much the same, all in the beginnings of the Sith incursion, none to be his home. // I guess it beats some of the weirder ones, though, // he admitted to himself.

 

Wearily, the young Knight opened his eyes... and gaped. The Temple and the garden were virtually the same, but where he would normally have seen the blue Coruscant sky filled with all manner of air traffic, instead there was a shimmering field of some kind that appeared to encompass the entire Temple, to stop just inside the outer walls. // What in the name of...? // he thought, scratching his head and rising.

 

A clatter and stamp of boots was all the warning he had before a shout of "There he is!" made him turn. Several Jedi Knights, all wearing blue armbands, were heading his way purposefully. Fingering his 'switch' 'saber, Obi-Wan waited for them, ready to bolt but unwilling to... yet.

 

He bowed as the leader approached. "Can I help you...?"

 

Brusquely, the Knight in the lead answered, "Please come with us. We're to take you to the Council Chamber immediately."

 

Nonplused, Obi-Wan said, "But... wait. Do you know me? Why...?"

 

"It doesn't matter," the strange Knight answered quickly, but not unsympathetically. "You're new. The Council needs to see you right now. Please... this way."

 

Falling into place next to the Knight, a perplexed Obi-Wan wasn't even able to ask any questions before being rushed into the Temple. As he was hurried down various corridors, he noticed pairs of Jedi everywhere - it seemed every alcove and bench contained a couple in the throes of passion, kissing, rubbing, even...

 

Obi-Wan looked away quickly as he passed two older male Padawans grunting together in a glassed-in alcove. A quick look at his escort showed that no one was even remotely bothered or even seemed to notice. Even the waiting room for the Council Chamber held copulating couples, to Obi-Wan's embarrassment. But he was swept right by, entering the familiar, large room. All the Councilors were present except Yoda, but there was no empty chair. Frowning, he looked around, but everything else looked normal.

 

Mace Windu was the first to speak. "Thank you for coming so quickly," he said. "Are you a virgin?"

 

Mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water, Obi-Wan blinked. "I-what? Wait. What is going on..."

 

"Please, Knight, we need to know. Are you a virgin?"

 

"Uh... I-um... No. Look. What is going on here? My name..."

 

"Your name is unimportant, really," Windu said earnestly, waving his hand. "You ARE a Jedi Knight, you're new to the Temple, and you're not a... Have you had more than a dozen partners?"

 

Obi-Wan had to laugh a bit at the absurdity of the situation and the questions. "Well, no, I guess not..."

 

A collective sigh went around the room. "Fewer than five?" Windu insisted.

 

This was going beyond absurd and bordering on ludicrous, Obi-Wan thought. "I guess it depends on how many Qui-Gon's you count and whether doing it with yourself is masturbation! WHAT is going on here?"

 

Windu exchanged glances with the other Councilors and smiled. "I think perhaps we have a possibility here..." he said. "Knight, the Order calls you to service," he intoned, using the ritual words. Obi-Wan frowned.

 

"Until I know what's..." his words were cut off by a shriek from behind the door leading to the antechamber. At least, that's where it always led in the past... now, Obi-Wan wasn't too sure.

 

"NEW ONE THERE IS!" The voice was quite unmistakable, but the volume... The other Councilors winced and as a unit glanced at the door. "BRING TO ME YOU MUST!"

 

"We have to hurry," Windu muttered. "Come with me, please."

 

Standing, Windu nearly ran out of the room, grabbing Obi-Wan in passing and dragging the Knight in his wake. As they left the room, he could hear another shriek behind him. "WILL OF THE FORCE IT IS! TAKE YOUR HANDS FROM ME YOU WILL!"

 

Hurrying to keep up with the dark Councilor, Obi-Wan asked breathlessly, "Master Windu... what is... Slow down, will you! What's going on here?"

 

Reluctantly slowing to a more reasonable pace, Windu glanced at the young Knight. "You know me? I don't recognize you at all."

 

"My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi," Obi-Wan said, tucking the 'saber he still held in his hand to the back of his belt. His newly-crafted, properly-working 'saber remained where it was on his belt, and something told him he would be using it before long. "I'm... well, I'm not from this reality. This dimension. I'm from a different one. I'm traveling..."

 

"A different dimension? Well! That explains how you got through the force field, then," Windu said. He seemed completely at ease with the idea that Obi-Wan could be traveling around the universes and actually appeared to be completely incurious about it. "Lucky for us you ended up here, then. I think you may actually have a chance to defeat it."

 

"Defeat WHAT?" Obi-Wan suddenly stopped and planted his boots. Arms crossed, he glared at the big Councilor. "All right, start talking. What is going on here? The Temple appears to be in an uproar, there are pairs of quite busy Jedi everywhere, and was that voice I heard Yo-

 

"SHHHH!" Windu abruptly turned and slapped a big hand across his mouth. "Are you mad?"

 

"No, but I'm beginning to think everyone else is," Obi-Wan mumbled around the hand over his mouth. "You said 'defeat it.' I heard you. Now either you explain or I'm leaving."

 

"All right, all right... fine." Foot tapping impatiently and frequently looking over his shoulder, Windu began speaking in a low, quick voice. "Defeat the Sith we have captured. That's what we want you to do. And yes, that voice you heard was His. He's told us that the only one who might have a chance at defeating the Sith is a virgin, which is why I've asked you. And that's why everyone you see is so busy... no one wants to be a virgin. Add to the fact that He likes virgins... and you might get the picture."

 

"'He' meaning..." Obi-Wan trailed off, a look of horror on his face. "But... but..."

 

"Exactly," Windu said. "Which is why I hustled you out of there so quickly. If you're to have even a ghost of a chance, we need to keep you away from Him." Once again urging the young man to move, Windu kept talking as they dodged pairs of Padawans and Knights writhing and moaning in the hallways. "It showed up a few weeks ago. We managed to trap it before it did any damage, but no one here is really up to fighting it. Not properly. Hell, we don't really even know what it IS, aside from an ugly thing. And then He told us that only a virgin would have a chance at defeating it. And since no one wants to face it OR Him..."

 

Obi-Wan shook his head sharply. This was simply too weird... "Oh, all right, take me to this thing. I have not got any clue what is going on here, but the Force brought me here for a reason..."

 

"That's the spirit!" Windu said, clapping him on the back and hurrying him forward.

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One whole resident floor of the Temple had been evacuated, as they had trapped the alleged Sith in one of the apartments. Windu basically shoved him out of the elevator while calling out the apartment number; when Obi-Wan turned back around, the big man was gone.

 

Grimacing, he cautiously moved down the corridor, the paranoia that surrounded him finally edging into his nerves. As he reached the apartment in question, he drew his 'saber but did not ignite it... he reached to ensure his other 'saber, the 'switch', was still there, then palmed open the door.

 

The room was quite dim, but then it looked out on the other side of the Temple from the sun, and there was that shield to think about. In a large armchair, reading a book, was a dark-robed figure. Frowning, Obi-Wan turned up the lights and gasped. The figure on the chair was the same red-and-black patterned, horned monster that had killed Qui-Gon. His mouth went dry and he froze in shock.

 

The creature looked up as the lights went up and actually smiled. "Hello," it said in a warm, rich, cultured voice. "My name is Maul. Are you here to finally..."

 

"My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi," Obi-Wan ground out, igniting his 'saber. "You killed my Master. Prepare to die."

 

"Now wait just a moment," the thing said quickly, jumping to it's feet and placing the chair between it and the enraged Jedi. "I haven't killed ANYbody. Truly. Never have in my life. I mean... I'm a pacifist."

 

Obi-Wan forced himself to stop his mindless advance and take a deep breath. This... this creature was very much unlike the thing that he fought - and killed, he reminded himself - and even though his every instinct was to destroy it, he was a Jedi, dammit, and would not follow his baser instincts. Reluctantly, he powered down his 'saber.

 

Maul visibly relaxed, but did not leave his position from the other side of the chair. "Whew. Thank you. You had me going there for a moment, Knight...Kenobi, was it?"

 

"Yes," Obi-Wan bit out, still trembling in reaction.

 

Chuckling a little hysterically, Maul said, "Well, I certainly didn't expect this... but then, I didn't expect to be trapped in here for weeks either. I was hoping that you would have been sent by Master Yoda with an answer or maybe an order for me...?" The hopeful expression on Maul's face rather confused Obi-Wan.

 

"An Order?" He asked. "For what? Double-sided 'sabers? Sith drones?"

 

Blinking, Maul said, "Huh?"

 

// This was turning out to be one hell of a confusing day, // Obi-Wan thought. "Look. You're a Sith. What could Master Yoda - a Jedi - want to place an order with you for?"

 

"A what?" Maul's honest-seeming confusion simply aggravated Obi-Wan. Sensing that, Maul held up his hands. "Wait, wait. What do you think I am?"

 

"You. Are. A. Sith." Obi-Wan was very deliberate and was actually quite proud of the way he kept from growling. "Look at you. You wear black, you carry that hideous lightsaber, and let's face it, you're not about to win any beauty contests."

 

Eyes opening very wide, Maul reared back in shock. "Well... I ...I-I never! I' ll have you know I'm considered quite attractive among my people. And of COURSE I wear black! What else could I wear? My skin is black and red, in case you haven't noticed, Mr. Tolerance, and I'll have you know I am NOT a autumn. Red looks hideous on me. My people normally go without the burden of clothing altogether, actually, but in my sales handbook it's made VERY clear what - what PRUDES the Jedi are. Which is why I made sure to dress tastefully before coming to my meeting with Master Yoda. And THIS," he drew and waved the handle of his 'saber around, "THIS happens to be a very fine, state-of-the-art communications device which has been rendered USELESS because of this ludicrously long decision making process you Jedi have!"

 

Panting now, Maul didn't realize it but he had come around the chair and was facing down, well, actually, facing up to Obi-Wan since he was so short (// I never noticed how short he was before, // Obi-Wan thought to himself). "And just WHERE is that crazy green troll? He promised me he would be getting back to me; that was WEEKS ago. To hell with my sales record, I have a family to get back to! Are you idiot Jedi going to buy or not?"

 

Maul was only inches from him now, in a righteous rage, his hands on hips and his eyes blazing. Well, they were probably always blazing, but they were worse at the moment. Obi-Wan forced himself to close his mouth and tried desperately to get his brain back in gear. "Something... this is very strange. Shall we... shall we sit and you can tell me your version of the story?"

 

Frowning thunderously, Maul finally nodded and took his seat again. Obi-Wan settled himself on the sofa and took a few deep breaths, calming himself. "All right. Let's start at the beginning. You arrived at the Temple a few weeks ago?"

 

Copying the Knight's relaxation techniques, Maul also got himself under control. "Yes. My company had made an appointment to meet with Master Yoda. Shortly after I saw him and made him my proposal, he had me escorted here and locked in. The next thing I knew, some sort of force field was put into place around your Temple and I was completely cut off. The door wouldn 't open for me, and I could use no communicators.

 

"Now, I was told by my sales manager that the Jedi would be a hard sell, and that I might encounter some resistance. But really! To lock a salesman up and keep him a prisoner for weeks?! I think that almost crosses into the criminal, don't you? I've been patient - hell, I had no choice! - but I think I'd just as soon forego the sale if this is going to continue."

 

Obi-Wan's eyes got larger and larger as the man across from him spoke. Finally, he said, "Maul. That's your name?"

 

"Yes," Maul replied, frowning.

 

"Tell me... tell me what you're selling?"

 

Taken aback, Maul said, "You don't KNOW? Then you're not from Master Yoda."

 

"No, I don't know, and no, I'm not from Master Yoda. He... well, nearly everyone... seems to have gone insane. Please, tell me what you're selling."

 

Maul sighed. "I'm selling the Encyclopedia Galaxica. Merely the finest reference text in the known universe. I figured the Jedi Temple would be a shoe-in for at least fifty sets..."

 

Obi-Wan closed his eyes and slumped back in his chair. "Oh, my. This is...Oh, my."

 

The two men sat in silence for a time, Maul looking very puzzled and slightly vexed, and Obi-Wan doing his level best to keep from laughing out loud. Finally, the young Knight opened his eyes and looked across at the man he thought of as his worst enemy. "Would you like a root beer?"

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The door proved to be no match for a 'saber, and soon Obi-Wan was able to escort Maul out of his prison and up to the Council Chamber. The copulating Jedi in the hallways melted out of their path as they strolled, chatting amiably, down the corridor. When they arrived at the Council Chamber, they went right in to find all the Councilors trying to hide behind their chairs. An inarticulate shriek from the antechamber made Obi-Wan frown.

 

"SHUT UP YODA!" he bellowed, then turned and smiled at the cowering Councilors. "May I present to the Council Mr. Maul, from the Encyclopedia Glaxica Corporation. He would like to sell the Temple fifty sets of the Encyclopedia. I would suggest that the Temple purchase - at full cost - five hundred sets, as reparation for keeping him prisoner for several weeks."

 

"Uh... um..." Mace Windu tremblingly came from behind his chair to perch gingerly in it. He stared at the two men before him and began to speak, only to be cut off.

 

"EVIL!! EVIL!! THE FORCE WILLS A..."

 

"I SAID, shut UP Yoda!" Obi-Wan bellowed again. "Don't make me come in there, you little green troll!" Privately, Obi-Wan reflected to himself that it really made him feel good to be able to yell that. Perhaps all the realities were getting to him, finally.

 

"Of-of course... five hundred sets... do - do you want a check or... Mr. Maul? Sir?"

 

"The Jedi Temple is well known," Maul said expansively. "A signature would be sufficient. As long as the force field comes down and you can send and receive mail?"

 

"Oh... of course, of course," Windu seemed a little more at ease with every passing minute.

 

"Fine, fine, then. If I could get your thumbprint and signature here on this order form," Maul presented a dataslate to Windu, who gingerly took it and scanned it quickly. "And on this section here I need some initials... and here, a thumbprint, and I'll need a retina scan and a blood sample, all routine, you know..."

 

There was silence from the antechamber as Obi-Wan turned and strolled out of the Chamber. Chuckling, he made his way back to the statuary garden, sat in lotus, centered himself and disappeared.

 

 

 

MrsHamill

 

 

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