Braidless in Coruscant

"Master, this is great! Out of all the teams in the entire Jedi Order, Jum Watsim has
picked us, me and you to be the subject for her Jedi Apprentice book series. Can you
believe it? We are gonna be known throughout all the galaxy."

Master Qui-Gon Jinn glared at his thirteen-year-old apprentice. "Do not get overly excited
Obi-Wan. These are just books for young readers, and much of information will be
fabricated from one person's point of view. I do not believe that things will change for
us."

"Think what you want master, but I am pumped about this," the boy laughed. "You just wait
until that first book comes out."

********

(Three months later)

"MASTER!!!! Here it is! The first book in the series, Jum wrapped it for me." The young
Jedi tore open the brown paper that covered the book. The goofy smile on his face faded
when he saw the art that graced the cover. "The Rising Force. Wait a minute, WHERE IS MY
BRAID? She forgot my braid. I worked hard for that thing, and now, it's not there."

Qui-Gon came to stand behind his padawan, leaning over his shoulder. "Obi-Wan, why does
she have you suspending your light saber in mid-air?"

I don't know, maybe that's the force thingy, and I am rising it up. You know, like the
title says? How should I know? That does NOT look like me though. Maybe the story will be
better than the cover."

The master gave Obi-Wan a pat on the back and pointed him towards the couch. "This is just
the first book padawan, let's give her some time before we attack her artistic skills. Why
don't you sit down and read it."

"Yes, good idea. Let me read."

*******

Two hours later Obi-Wan was furious. He bounded off the couch and into Qui-Gon's bedroom
where the teacher was trying to catch a few minutes of sleep. "THIS IS NOT RIGHT!"

Qui-Gon sprang up so fast, that he rolled right off the bed. THUMP! He growled from the
floor. "Obi-Wan your butt better be on fire or something for what you just did. What is
wrong with you?

"READ THIS! Read it! Then we will talk."

"Excuse me?"

"Trust me master, read it."

An hour passed before Qui-Gon got up and marched into the kitchen. Throwing the book onto
the counter, he began yelling. "THAT IS NOT ME! I am NOT like that. It's almost like I
have no emotions, I just..."

"Um, actually master, I thought the characterization of you was kinda accurate."

"What?" Qui-Gon said in shock. "I am nothing like this person. This person is uncaring and
well, he's a fool. That is not me."

"Okay, not the fool part, but..."

"Don't say another word." The big Jedi was angry, and before he did something he regretted
later, he left the room. Obi-Wan was left alone, to pout.

*********

The second book in the series came out, and the pair was a bit happier with it, but when
the third book was released, that set them off once more. "The Hidden Past. Okay, I like
the title, but why do I look like I'm doing some kind of dance routine on the cover? And
STILL no braid! Or ponytail. Master, I worked extremely hard for that symbol of my
training. She is not taking it seriously at all. And look at you! HAHAH! You're just
hanging out in the background looking cool. Hands on your belt. You must be judging my
dance steps." Obi-Wan refused to get completely furious until he had a chance to read the
book.

"Padawan, you really shouldn't hold your weapon out like that. It leaves you open to
attack." Qui-Gon grinned as he spoke to the boy.

"I DID NOT draw this cover master. But look at my belt. Just WHERE do I hang my saber? Is
my waist really that slim? I guess I am very fit for my age. I better read this."

But once again, the book failed to live up to Obi-Wan's expectations. "This series is
going to be a problem. I can't have my friends reading this. I look so angry in these
pictures. I'm a happy kid, look at me! Don't I look happy master? I look happy don't I?
Huh? I am a happy apprentice. I am, I really am."

"ENOUGH! Yes, I know you are happy."

The door chime sounded and Master Bren Anders let herself in. "Hi boys! Qui, I need to
talk to you about this latest book."

"The one were Obi-Wan is performing ballet on the cover?"

"Huh? Uh, no. This one, The Mark of the Crown. It's just out today. You think you're some
kind of God or something? I mean, get real Stretch. Nice pose and all, but you aren't all
that."

Obi-Wan stuck his head near the book, and started giggling. "Interesting master. 'You will
all bow to me or I will be forced to make you wear boxers with little light sabers on
them.' When did you get a black robe? I want one."

"HELLO?? I did not pose for this. I didn't. But, my gray hair is gone, I do like that."

"Hehehe...master, look closer, you have hat head. Must be from that HUGE crown that's
hovering over you. Hahahahha!"

A dark glare from the tall Knight silenced the boy's laughter.

Bren chimed in next. "You do look like some kind of sorcerer with that crazy robe. Oh, by
the way, I have several more advanced copies of others in the series. Take a look."

The next book she pulled out of the bag was called, The Defenders of the Dead. Obi-Wan
took one peak at the cover and immediately his emotions whirled. "I HAVE A BRAID!!!!!!
WOOHOO!!! It's about time. Now we're talkin'."

"Yes, but were you standing on a surf board or something for this photo? Preparing to take
on the waves in the Taralog Ocean?"

"No, I don't know where she gets these poses from. Wait, now my belt is MISSING. AND I
look like Ricky Schroeder."

Qui-Gon stepped closer. "Who? Padawan, you need your belt. Are those your pajamas?"

Without looking at his teacher, Obi-Wan reached for the bag that Bren held. "Hold it kid.
One at a time. This one is, The Uncertain Path. Nice halo Obi."

He grabbed the book from her and stared at it. "Look at me. Do I look happy? And whose big
ole face is that next to mine?"

Moving closer, Qui-Gon took note. "You do know you have a planet on your head, don't you?"

"Yes master, I can see that. Hard to miss a big circular pink object rotating over me.
What I want to know is, what is up with my hair cut? It's supposed to be spiked, not
mashed to my head. And once again, this anger thing. I know life as a Jedi is hard, but
it's not worth getting so angry over. This Jum person is REALLY starting to annoy me. I
will go down in history as the angry padawan who couldn't keep track of his braid."

Meanwhile, as Obi-Wan rambled on, Bren had been scanning through one of the books. "No
wonder you're so angry Obi. Qui, you are so blah in this. No spirit, no emotion, you
just...exist. Pat the boy on the shoulder once or twice and that's it. Where is the love
that should be there, the mutual admiration? You don't love him do you?"

"I do so love him. There has to be a hug somewhere in one of these books. I am not
emotionless. I have feelings too you know. Where's the next book?"

"Here master," Obi-Wan yelled from the common area, where he had wandered to. "The Captive
Temple. There's me on the cover, looking like a complete moron. Waiting for the pitcher to
throw me the ball. Hey batter, batter...swing. No braid again. What, is the thing
retractable or something? I mean, it's there one minute and gone the next. And your robe
Master, look how far it extends out!"

But Bren was confused. "What is the Sith Troll doing in this picture? Who let him into the
story?"

Obi-Wan held up another book. "The Day of Reckoning. This is nice; we are in a cage with a
bunch of savages about to burn us at the stake. This time, no light saber, no braid, and a
kinda-sorta belt."

"No kid, look. See that little tiny snake like thing poking out from your neck? I think
that's your braid. You do look scared though. If Mr. Emotion would have only hugged you."

"I HAVE EMOTIONS!!!! I DO!!!" Tension filled the room as Qui-Gon became overly frustrated
with the books. "I really do Bren, I swear. These books are not letting you see the real
me. I love my padawan. I love you. Honest."

"THAT'S IT! THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!! LOOK AT THIS!!" Obi-Wan held out another book. The
Fight For Truth. "Who is this chick on the cover with me? I've never seen her before."

"Not sure," Bren whispered, "But looks like she's learned your dance steps. And what
exactly are you doing in that pose? You look like you're chopping fire wood."

"And I would like to point out, no braid, angry and not a complete belt."

"Actually padawan, it looks as if you are attempting a new stretching exercise. I hope you
limbered up first."

Obi-Wan began pacing. He could not believe that he let himself be talked into being a
guinea pig for this series. "What can we do about this master? This is not us. But
everyone is going to think it is. The ballet dancing, braidless padawan, and his
emotionless master. I can't allow this Jum person to continue to show us in this light."

Behind him, Bren cleared her throat. "Um, Obi? You may want to take a look at this book
then. The Shattered Ground."

"Let me see." He swatted the book from her hands. "Well looky here, my retractable braid
is back. And of course I am still angry. My saber blade looks a bit on the thin side. I
won't mention my belt or that turtle looking creature behind me. Master? Am I that angry?
Just because I get a little upset when I don't get mush, is that any reason to make me
look so evil?"

"No Obi-Wan, you are not that angry, you know that. Looks like you finally won your black
belt in Karate though."

The young Jedi sighed and flipped through the pages of the book. "Look master, at least
you smile at me in this one. That's a breakthrough for you."

Qui-Gon wasn't listening. He was busy searching for another in the series. The Deadly
Hunter. "Obi-Wan, where is your robe? And how did you get a green saber?"

"What?" The student was puzzled as he turned to Qui-Gon. "Master, I am wearing my robe,
and my saber is still blue."

"Oh yeah? Look here." Throwing the small book at his apprentice, Qui-Gon waited for his
reaction.

"Damn it! WHERE IS MY BRAID AGAIN????"

"Watch your mouth please Obi-Wan. I am more concerned that you stole my light saber."

"Sorry master. I did not steal yours, see? Mine is here."

Leaning on the couch behind Obi-Wan, Bren began laughing. "HA! Hey kid, looks like Qui-Gon
washed your robe in hot water. It's shrunken quite a bit. I mean, you are short, but not
that short. He bleached it too. It's a lovely shade of beige. Watch out for that fire
though, looks like it's hitting you in a very sensitive area. OW! And headgear whip woman,
who is she?"

"Master Bren, do you see a hug in that book anywhere? After all these dangerous and trying
adventures, has Master Qui-Gon hugged me yet?"

"Nope, sorry kid. No hug. A hand on your shoulder, does that count?"

A saddened padawan, sunk into the couch. "Master, why won't you hug me?"

Qui-Gon could only shake his head. "That is not me Obi-Wan. That is some authors
interpretation of me. I hug you, sometimes."

"Not enough though. At least that's the way Jum sees it. Master Bren are there any other
books?"

She reached once more into the bag. "Two more Obi. Ooooooo, look here. The Evil
Experiment. Qui-Gon and the wheel of fortune." The cover showed the master on a large
circular torture device. Obi-Wan was quick to make his opinion known about this one as
well.

"That looks COOL! I want to try it. And it makes master's pants turn white too! I thought
you wore brown pants master?"

Looking down at his pants, Qui-Gon agreed. "I do, I am. And no, you cannot try that. It's
says EVIL experiment, not happy fun wheel. I look like I'm in pain."

"I could spin you on that I bet. Make you really sick. How come I'm not on this cover? Did
you desert me? That's not right master, you should never leave your padawan."

"I did not leave you. I have been captured. You might be dead for all I know."

"Um, Qui?" Bren had found the last of the books. "He's not dead. But his braid is still
among the missing. And Obi, you really shouldn't be holding that saber in that general
area there. Just looks bad is all." Obi-Wan bounced from the couch to see what Bren was
referring to.

"The Dangerous Rescue. Okay, so I'm not dead. But that irritating blond girl is back
again, as well as Medusa. She REALLY needs a new hairstyle. That's not my saber master,
look at the hilt. Not mine. What did you do with mine?"

"In case you've forgotten, I am on still on the wheel of death. Therefore, one can assume
that I did not steal your light saber."

Obi-Wan turned to Bren. "Any hugs?"

Once she had scanned the book, she smirked at the boy and shook her head. "Sorry Obi. No
mush for you. You're still to angry to deserve a hug."

"I AM NOT ANGRY! I need to have a nice little chat with Jum Watsim. She is not capturing
the real me. Should I dare mention that my braid is gone...yet again? Master what are we
going to do?"

"I don't know padawan, but we'll have to ride this out and see what happens next. In the
meantime, show me that ballet move that you seem to have perfected."

Looking through the pile of books on the couch, Bren found one that she'd passed over
before. "Oh boys? We missed one. It's called The Ties That Bind. And...well, you'd better
look. The cover art is, um...just look at it."

Obi-Wan saw himself on the cover and lost it. "What? Who is that? Why are my feet wrapped
like a mummy? Where are my boots? Master, you can't afford boots for me? Or are you trying
to turn me into an Egyptian curse?"

"Padawan that should be the least of your worries. See where they attached your braid?"

"In the back of my head? That's where my ponytail is supposed to be. Where did it go? Did
it lose weight? Looks like an eel."

"It's awfully windy in the Council chambers. Qui, your robe looks more like a cape than
anything. Remember Super Fly? This would be Super Qui. Cape billowing in the hurricane
force winds of the Jedi Temple. Must be all that hot air Yoda spits out. And the magic
robe has changed colors. Too much bleach in the laundry kid."

Qui-Gon turned to his apprentice. "What have I told you about using bleach in dark
colors?"

"I didn't do it. Trust me, I learned my lesson with that tie-dye robe I made last year. At
least I look a bit more mature in this book. How old am I Master Bren?"

Bren, who had begun speed-reading the book, stuttered out the word "sixteen" then stuck
her nose back into the pages. When she was done, she glared at Qui-Gon, fire in her eyes.

"Okay listen, you two-timing pathetic life-form. WHO is Tahl, and how dare you pledge your
love to her. Not only are you still treating your own apprentice like a step-pad, but
you've just blown me off? For who? Some chick named Tahl? Step outside for a moment Master
Jinn, I would like to have a word with you." She threw the book down.

"I don't love her. I love you, and no one else."

Obi-Wan tried to speak up without it looking like he was. "Um..."

"Oh right. Yes padawan, I love you too, but in a different way."

"You better start showing it Stretch. Because in this book, you love only one person, and
it's not me or the kid. There's no hug for him, and I don't exist. This Tahl character is
probably just some tramp off the streets."

"Bren, please! Give me a little credit. I am sure she is a warm and caring person."

"Yeah? Then how did you hook up with her? You...Warm and caring?"

"That's not you master. I would venture more towards cold and distant. No hug?"

"I can be warm. I can be caring. It's just that I was...."

Bren and Obi-Wan finished his sentence in unison. "Raised by a troll."

"We know Qui, we know."


Five months passed before the Jedi heard anymore about the books. They had been so upset
over the way that Jum had portrayed them that they asked the Council to ban her from
writing any further adventures. The Council agreed, but decided to ask another to take up
the cause and write a book about the master/padawan pair as they would be later in life.
His name was Lames Luceno. The book was called Cloak of Deception.

Obi-Wan was eager to dig into this book. He knew that this story would be different.
"Okay, first problem here, I am NOT on the cover. But, I'll let that slide. At least I
don't have to worry about a missing braid. Give me a few hours, let me knock this thing
out."

While Obi-Wan read, Bren and Qui-Gon tried to gauge his opinion of it without asking him.
They didn't see him break a smile once. When he was finished, he gently placed the book on
the table, ignited his light saber, and got ready to slice the thing into a million
pieces.

"HOLD IT OBI-WAN!!" Qui-Gon grabbed the book. "What's wrong?"

"This is just as bad as the other books. Although, you do actually make a joke in this,
but still treat me like a step-pad. All you do it tap me on the shoulder...tap tap tap.
Good job padawan. Tap tap tap. And I lost count of how many times my jaw dropped in this
story. Seems like every time I saw something, my jaw dropped. Obi-Wan focus on the
now...tap tap tap. Obi-Wan concentrate, the Force is your ally...tap tap tap. Obi-Wan I
didn't mean to chop your leg off...tap tap tap."

"WAIT! You're leg was chopped off?"

"No, but if it was, all you would do is tap me on the shoulder and tell me you were sorry.
I WANT A HUG! Am I asking to much?"

Stepping forward, Qui-Gon wrapped his arms around the small Jedi. Obi-Wan spoke muffled
words into the man's tunic. "When I get older, I become a smart-mouthed, stubborn,
impatient apprentice who lives for his master to tap him on the shoulder. Why continue in
my training? I am doomed to a life of mushless tapping."

"Padawan," Qui-Gon whispered into the boy's hair, "You're already a, smart-mouthed,
stubborn and impatient apprentice. Nothing has changed there. But if it will make you feel
better, I promise not to ever tap you on the shoulder. Okay?"

There was a brief nod against the master's chest. "How do we stop Mr. Tap Tap from writing
anymore books about us?"

"I don't know Obi-Wan, but I will call on the Council once more about this. Try and relax,
what you need is a good night's sleep. No dreams about tap tap's and jaw drops, okay?"

He nodded and pulled away from the embrace. "Yes master. Goodnight."

*********

Time passed. The book series was finally ceased all together. There would be no further
writings about Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi. But that didn't stop the abuse. It was
early one morning when Bren received a package at her door. It was a rectangle shaped box,
about a foot long. Attached to it were several smaller boxes. She opened them, and did her
best not to fall over in laughter at what she found. Immediately she knew that Qui-Gon and
his apprentice would have to see this to believe it.

She rang the door chime of their apartment. A sleepy Obi-Wan answered. "Oh, morning Master
Bren. Come in."

"Hi kid, where's your master?"

"Sleeping I think."

"Wake him up, he's gonna want to see this."

Padding quietly into his teacher's bedroom, Obi-Wan shook the older man awake and followed
him into the common area. Qui-Gon offered a good morning kiss to Bren, then plopped
himself onto the couch next to Obi-Wan. "So, what's in the box?"

"You're not gonna like it, but...." Opening the first box, the smaller of the two, she
pulled out a six-inch action figure of Obi-Wan Kenobi. It was called a six inch Power of
the Jedi Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan took one look at it, dropped his head almost into his lap and began whining. "I
don't understand. I thought my angry days were behind me. Look at this doll. This is not
me. First, I look like I am forty years old, and second, I look like I am about to bite
someone's fingers off. Why am I growling?"

Beside him, Qui-Gon was laughing. "At least you have clean teeth. And you have a braid!"

"Don't get too cocky there Stretch. That is until you've seen the Qui-Gon doll." She
removed a figure from the larger box. It was a twelve inch tall version of the master, but
he seemed to be yelling his battlecry."

"This is...interesting. I think my padawan's anger has rubbed off on me."

"No, you're probably just yelling at me for growling at you, " Obi-Wan grinned at his
teacher.

"Hold it guys, look here. These two are called Cold-Weather Gear Jedi."

"Um, master? What aren't you telling me? Cold weather gear? Are we planning a vacation to
Hoth in the near future?"

Qui-Gon examined the figures closer. "They come with these small fact cards. I didn't pose
for that. That is a fraud."

"Let me see," Obi-Wan replied as he ripped the card from Qui-Gon. "Master, you look like a
Sith in this picture. Is that why you never hug me? You are a Sith aren't you? I knew it!
My master is a SITH! Raised by a Troll. It all makes sense now. The constant tapping, the
evil glares, the fact that you have big ears. I mean, how did I NOT see this? It's all
there in black and white, just look at you in this photo. You have Sith written all over
your face."

"Obi-Wan, I am not a Sith."

"Call you Sith Nixon. 'I am not a Sith.'"

Qui-Gon reached over and pulled the boy's braid. Drawing Obi-Wan's face close to his.
"Another word about this and I am returning you for a full refund. Am I coming in
clearly?"

A hurried shake of the head from the student and Qui-Gon knew he had been heard.

"There's a catalog here Qui," Bren said as she wandered over to the pair. "With future
figures that will soon be available. Here's a limited edition series called Epic Force.
And guess who is starring? Our very own angry Obi and yelling Qui, complete with his
flying cape of doom!" Once she started laughing, she couldn't stop. Qui-Gon stole the
catalog from her, then prepared to toss the dolls off the balcony.

"This cannot continue. My padawan and I are not puppets. We will not be treated in such a
manner. Angry, emotionless, braidless. If they can't portray us as we truly are, then they
will not portray us at all. Come padawan, we must speak with the Council."

************

They arrived at the Council chambers, and were immediately escorted inside.

Yoda was the first to speak. "Know why you have come before us we do. Upset you are with
the books and the dolls. Steps we have taken. No further dolls will be manufactured.
However, we have been asked to grant permission for a holo-vid to be made about you. Your
opinion on this we request."

The younger Jedi wasted no time in telling the small troll what he thought of the idea.
"Master Yoda, if this holo-vid is going to be anything like the books, then I want no part
of it. There is very little in those books that is accurate, and I do not wish for our
reputation to be tarnished further."

"A good point you claim young Kenobi, but a star you will be after this holo-vid. Asked to
play the part of Obi-Wan Kenobi, Lima Wean has."

The boy's jaw dropped.

"Obi-Wan watch the jaw thing," Qui-Gon corrected.

"Did you say Lima? He's...uh...Lima? He's my...I think...Lima? Are you sure?"

"Sure we are, signed on he has. A Jedi apprentice he will be."

Suddenly feeling lightheaded, Obi-Wan grabbed onto Qui-Gon's tunic to keep his balance.
The tall master wrapped a supportive arm around him. "And who may I ask will play the role
of me?"

"Wena Kneesin will be you Qui-Gon."

"Wow master! Wena is good! Remember his holo called Schindler's Trolls? What an epic that
was. He and Lima together in one movie? Okay, I think I give this holo my approval."

After some reluctance, Qui-Gon gave in as well.

"Very well, the holo-vid, made it will be."

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan bowed and left the chambers. Obi-Wan looked up at his master. "Do you
think we will ever live this book thing down? Garen and Reeft have been harassing me about
it since it began. They just walk around calling me AO."

"AO?"

"Angry Obi."

"Oh, that's nice. At least you HAVE emotions."

"Yes, but no braid."

"That's okay padawan, I love you with or without your braid."

"Thanks master, and I love you even though you prefer to tap me on the shoulder rather
than hug me. Can we go tell Master Bren about our holo?"

"We sure can. She's kinda got this thing for Wena Kneesin. Says he makes her THUD."

"WOW! Lima has the same affect on me."

"Sure Obi-Wan, whatever you say." Qui-Gon tapped his shoulder a few times.

"Master, stop that. You're making my jaw drop. Look, there's Master Bren! Do you make her
THUD master?"

"I don't think so padawan."

Bren spotted the pair and hurried over to them. "Hi boys! Have you seen this?" She held up
a book called The Phantom Menace. "It's another story about you guys. And well, you have
to read it for yourself."

Qui-Gon read the book out loud in his apartment. Obi-Wan was intent on hearing every word.
By the end, he was whimpering like a wounded Bantha pup. Putting an arm around the slight
shoulders, Qui-Gon sighed. "Padawan? It's just a story, I'm not going to die like that."

"Yes you are, you're going to leave me with that boy, that pathetic life-form. I can't
train him master, I'm too young to have an apprentice. I can't even reach the top shelf in
the kitchen yet. Please don't make me train him. Please?"

Moving closer to the boy, Qui-Gon took his other arm and encircled it around Obi-Wan,
holding him tight. "Obi-Wan, this is not real. It's all fiction. Okay?"

"But, it seems so real. How can you reject me like that? For a desert slave boy? Don't die
master, please. I promise not to misplace my braid anymore, and to stop the ballet
dancing. I'll be good. I'll even shave my hair really close to my head, and frown all the
time. I don't want you to die."

Closing his eyes, Qui-Gon was at a loss for words. He sought out Bren for help. "Please
tell him that these stories are not true."

"He's right kid. It's just a writer's imagination running wild. You'll be okay. I'll keep
an eye on Qui-Gon for you."

Obi-Wan turned his blood shot eyes towards the other master. "You will?"

"Yes, I will. Now, how about you and I sit back and watch that Lima movie you like so
much, Trollspotting? How about it?"

"I would like that. Master, will you hug me during the movie like you are now? I've been
having nightmares about that tap tap thing."

The big master glanced downward at his student. "You can stay just as you are, just you,
me and Bren."

Obi-Wan snuggled as close as he could as Bren flipped on the monitor.

"No more bad dreams of missing braids, and angry faces, okay padawan?"

"Yes master."

The small group huddled together on the couch. Enjoying the company of the others. All was
quiet until the Coruscant news came on after the holo-vid was over.

"New in bookstores today, The Phantom Menace Returns. The continuing story of Obi-Wan
Kenobi, the braidless and ballet dancing Jedi Knight as he takes on his first apprentice.
With the young Knight's former master now dead, who will Kenobi look to for those
comforting shoulder taps that were so prevalent in his youth? Will his apprentice turn to
the dark side? Or will Kenobi learn to offer the same type of taps that Qui-Gon Jinn once
did. Buy it today!"

Obi-Wan sat up and stared at the monitor. Only one thing came to his mind.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Obi the Kid

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