Uninvited
She wasn’t sure why she had decided to go on the mission, why she in had in
fact, been the one to suggest it. Perhaps it was penance, not for darkness
done, but for darkness ignored.
She thought back to that night, the night when she had first seen it. It had
been days after his return from Naboo, and the anguish that emanated from him
had been palpable.
She had gone to him to offer comfort. It really had begun like that, a
simple offer to share grief. By the time she had reached his apartments it was
dark, most of the beings in the temple had been asleep. But she knew he wasn't.
She reached his living quarters and quietly slipped in, not bothering to knock,
lest she draw attention to others.
Inside the apartment was, if possible, darker than it was outside. She found
her way towards him in the darkness, and found him perched on the edge of his
bed, staring down at his hands. He didn’t acknowledge her presence,
he simply stared, even as she sat down next to him. Just him,
her, and the darkness.
She leaned her head towards him, letting it rest slightly on his shoulder.
Still they said nothing. Finally, she did the only thing that she could think
of, she lifted her hand and lightly but firmly guided his chin towards her,
letting their foreheads touch ever so lightly. He closed his eyes as a tremor
passed through him.
He broke the silence with a strangled sob as he let his head drop to her heart,
and poured out his grief as she held him and stroked his hair.
She still wasn’t sure how long they had stayed like that. Minutes?
Hours? She doesn’t remember. Though what happened next
would be burned into her memory for the rest of her life..
No matter how short it was shaping up to be.
She had kissed his head. Again, an act purely done as a gesture
of comfort. He raised his face and kissed her cheek in turn. One kiss
became two, then three. Trailed along her jaw line,
desperate, wanting kisses, that spoke of anguish.
He hesitated for only a moment before letting his lips touch hers. She didn’t
stop him.
Amazing how six years later, the memory of those kisses could still make her
shudder.
She remembers how, hours later, he had held her. How he trailed his hands
from her bare shoulders to her face. Tracing the outlines of
her features.
He kissed her again.
She should have known then…what those kisses would become. Kisses full of fury.
As if he were trying to draw some terrible truth from
her, some kind of knowledge.
Force- -, she hopes that he didn’t find that knowledge with her.
But she could never have known, that the price of that
truth would be her whole world. In those following five years, he had seemed
normal. He had continued in the steps of the Jedi and had raised his padawan.
But every once and a while she saw it. She would spot
that look. A wanting. Uninvited, but
there. She never dreamed his want had stretched beyond his feelings for
her. That it had consumed him.
It was a wanting that didn’t end when he had joined with Palpatine. But began when he had destroyed him, taking over an empire, and
breaking that part of herself that she had given him…or perhaps the part that
had forever been his to take.
She had been on the receiving end of the cruel side of love, the side that
takes you places that are as dangerous as they are alluring. The side that once
reached never lets you go back.
Because beneath all the horror, grief and sorrow lay one
constant. She still couldn’t hate him. She knew hate was not the Jedi
way, but she still saw it, in the way they spoke of him, in the tense silence
whenever they saw the Imperial holo-vids.
Force knows she had tried. She had more reason to hate him than anyone else.
But she still couldn’t. She had to settle for hating herself. For not hating him, for not stopping him, for still loving him.
That was what she was doing here, in the fresher of a dingy hotel room on
Coruscant. Letting the hot water scald her, and knowing that this mission would
very possibly be her last.
She stepped out of the fresher. Wrapped a towel around herself,
and stepped into the room, illuminated only by the dim lights outside.
She glided over towards the dresser, picking up the brush that would bring a
semblance of order to her now long hair.
She firmly grasps the handle and--
Oh Maker-- it can’t be. But it is. She would know that stance anywhere.
Are her abilities really so bad that she can’t sense a Sith
five feet from her?
She goes on staring at him at a state of shock. She dimly realizes that he is
once again without a beard. It reminds her of more innocent times.
The clattering of the hair brush at her feet startles her out of her reverie.
She picks it up, and places it back on the dresser, aware of his gaze traveling
up her water soaked figure, ending with the hand that now rests on the handle
of her lightsaber. He walks closer to her, but makes no move to disarm her.
He is now close enough for her to hear his breathing, but she can’t bring
herself to look into his face.
Instead she questions him, “How did you know where I was?”
He steps closer to her, “I have always known where to find you, Siri.” Sensing
her discomfort he takes a step closer. “Even when you were on
Ardas”. It takes a minute for his words to catch up to her. Ardas. The last haven of the few remaining
Jedi. She felt a cold knot settle into her chest and raised her face to
his.
What supreme irony, had let such angelic features
grace his face? He didn’t need to say it, she could
see it in his eyes. They were dead, and she had lead
him to them.
She slid to the floor, leaning her face into the wall. He knelt down in front
of her. She took the lightsaber, holding it to his heart. He did nothing. She
felt hot tears stream down her face, so close, it would all be over...she
gripped the handle tighter, and in sorrow, let it clatter to the floor. She
leaned back against the wall, face angled away from him.
They both stayed there, as if time had frozen them to the moment. He reached
out, and guided her chin towards him, letting their foreheads touch. She
shuttered at the memories that it drew, and at how his touch could still affect
her, even after this terrible revelation.
He trailed his hands from her bare shoulders to her face. Tracing
the outlines of her features. They stayed like that.
Just him, her, and the darkness.
He made the
decision to never regret his choices long ago. Regret changes nothing, it wastes energy you could be putting elsewhere.
Then why is he here?
He has run it through his mind at least a dozen times while sitting in the dark
of the hotel room waiting for her to come out.
She doesn't know that he is there...no surprise. The advantage of embracing Sith teachings is the ability to hide in plain sight, from
the Jedi, even from one as...close... as Siri had been to him.
Perhaps that's the problem.
He was still close to her. Too close.
He listens to her thoughts as they stream out, incessant, like the beat of the
water above her. They consist of pain, betrayal and terrible loneliness all
undercut by memories of him, of them.
That night so many years ago, the pain and anguish that was suddenly engulfed
by sweetness, tenderness, the balm to some terrible ache that had begun the
moment he had first seen her, heard her voice.
Who knew that something so beautiful, so pure, as what they had shared would be
forbidden to him? How could so much change in a mere matter of days?
He watched her as she slept. Her head resting just above
his heart, the dawn still hours away. Had he always needed her this
much?
She moved slightly in his arms making her grip around his chest tighten. This
would be the only time they would have together.
A knot twisted itself in his throat, and anger shot through him, anger at the
universe for taking away the people that he loved.
As the hours past that knot worked itself into a burning that mingled with the
fiery colors that dawn was spreading throughout the room. He watched as she stirred ,and stared into her eyes , he held her. Letting her light dampen that burning. He trailed his hands
from her bare shoulders to her face. Traced the outlines of
her features.
He kissed her again.
He wondered again at his attachment to her, how he had never tried to break the
bond that they shared, never tried to hate her.
Instead he had saved his hate.
The council had known that something had happened between him and Siri. They
had said that they would allow the one indiscretion, considering the
recent loss he had experienced, but it could not happen again. So Obi-Wan
received Anakin Skywalker as a padawan learner and Siri received a year-long
mission on the other side of the galaxy.
It hadn't taken long for Palpatine to come to him, to offer him the chance to
build a new order.
He had seen through it immediately, but said nothing, letting Palpatine think
he had an ally. Letting the council think that nothing was
wrong, that he had learned his lesson.
Five years later, he had proved them both wrong.
But despite all that he had done, he was still here, still waiting for her in
the darkness of her room.
He listened as the water turned off. Watched as she walked into the room, the
darkness caressing her as his own fingers had once
done.
She stands by the dresser, and starts as she finally notices him, her hands
frozen in the air, as the brush she was holding clatters to the floor.
Still mute, she picks up the brush and placing it back on the dresser,
surreptitiously allowing her hand to rest on her lightsaber.
He makes no move to disarm her as he comes toward her.
“How did you know where I was?” even as she asks, her gaze never leaves the
hand that clasps the weapon.
“I have always known where to find you, Siri.” his voice barely above a
whisper, “Even when you were on Ardas”. Her frame becomes rigid and she
woodenly turns her face to him, searching his words.
As the meaning of his words hits her, she slides to the floor, her face once
again leaving his.
He kneels down in front of her. His gaze never leaving her face, even as she
holds her lightsaber to his heart.
She lets the weapon fall. Her back, once again against the wall.
He reaches out, and guides her towards him, letting their foreheads touch. Reminiscent of a similar night six years ago. He feels her
tremble.
He caresses her bare shoulders drawing patterns to her face. Tracing
the outlines of her features.
Why is he here?
Because he needs her light.
Because he needs her.
Stargazer